The Secret~Raz
- Raz Kaur
- Apr 16
- 18 min read
Updated: May 5
Welcome, Mystical Beloveds,
In spiritual work, it often is healing to hear of other's anecdotal experiences to help us cultivate a sense of community and togetherness. We look to others, who may have similar experiences that go beyond the physical world, as a way to make sense of our own lives. And because much of spiritual work is a *felt* and personal journey (rather than a research based/factual process), it's powerful to share the story of how one came to step into their gifts. It not only helps to share your own story, but to help those who may be in need of encouragement and inspiration to continue on their path. So below, I've shared a few important parts of my journey of mystical exploration and healing.
*Early Childhood*
My journey into spirituality began very early on in life, and honestly goes vastly beyond this incarnation-which is one of (if not) my last live/s.
I was born into a very culturally and religiously enriching Panjabi (Jatt) Sikh home ( with an emphasis of Hinduism and Sanatan Dharma influences from my maternal side of the family). These spiritual and religious influences helped me create an understanding of Oneness with a primordial Being very early on. Even at a young age, I had a deep understanding that there was a force that was omnipotent and beyond this realm.
It was a felt experience that I obviously had not fully understood but simply knew, My knowing came from an intuitive sense that evaded my cognitive understanding at the time.
This is what led me to believe in reincarnation at a very young age, and being born into a culture that understood this concept helped reduce some of the confusion about why I knew, felt, and remembered things that went beyond mere imagination.
However, it was still something that transcended the religious affiliations which, although beautiful and connective, were still constrained by cultural expectations and dogma.
One of my first experiences of Divinity actually occurred in 1999 when I went to go live in India with my entire family for a few years. I was about 3 and half years old, and it was one of the most magical chapters of my life.
There was a profound sense of community and togetherness that I felt living in India those years and spending time with my entire family (immediate and extended) visiting sacred gurdwaras, temples, and sites all around Northern India.
As I have a very vivid recollection and memory system, I can remember the moment I walked into a particular temple that had steps which led to an underground level. I recall the bright green tiles lining the walls and the radiant white marble statues of the various Indian Goddesses and Gods. I could hear the bells, mantras, and chimes ringing in my ears as I smelled the scent of jasmine incense lingering in the air. It all seems clear as day, which provides to be a testament to how important this moment was.
The vibrant colors of the oranges, bananas, and other sacred offerings mixed into flowers and fruits on plates. I remember holding my diyas up to the striking marble statues of the Goddesses and Gods, seeing all of them being adorned with flowers, jewels, and colorful clothing. I could feel something pulsing in the air when I particularly saw a few of the Gods & Goddesses. From Durga Ma, Lakshmi Ma, Saraswati Ma Shiva, Krishna, Ganesh, and Hanuman Mann, I felt a powerful electricity surging while I gazed upon them.
Although I didn't know this then, I can now piece together that I was having an activation and reintroduction to these ascended energies again in this life. And that there was a reason why I kept staring and feeling goosebumps when I would look upon the Dark Goddess statue- she who is the Dark Mother, Kali Ma and the powerful Destroyer God beneath her feet, Shiva. There was a deeper sense of familiarity and comfort I felt with them that seemed to be beyond the moment. I would get goosebumps when I felt myself floating in clouds and different elemental spheres with these ascended masters- I simply knew this wasn't my first time with them.
Just as I also felt when I was walking up to the steps of Shri Harmandir Sahib. The chills I felt (and still feel) when I heard the Japji Sahib echo through the cells of my body, leading me to the most peculiar sensation that reverberated through (what felt like) my DNA. Staring upon Guru Nanak Dev Ji and Guru Gobind Singh Ji and feeling an overwhelming build up of tears and love when I saw their likeness upon the walls.
The prickly feeling I got when I would close my eyes and meditate to the prayers and hymns- there was a clear connection I felt to mantras and the vibration of the various Indian gurus and deities.
These moments left an imprint on me that went beyond words.
 It was my re-initiation into connecting with all these beings once again in this new life, and this theme echoed into my life as I rediscovered all ancient aspects of myself all over again.. through various magical ways.
*Spiritual Angst Teen Vs. The World*
On the outside, I appeared as any little kid, preoccupied by my favorite tv shows, books, music, and style. Though on the inside, my mind/heart/soul were riddled with colorful concepts and attempts at making sense of what life was and why I could remember feeling other lifetimes so vividly.
I keenly remember often being in a state of exploring my own consciousness through an almost trance like meditative awareness of self and the world around me. I would often be alone in my own inner world exploring different feelings, thoughts, sensations, and intuitive voices. Having been exposed to meditation, I spent time closing my eyes and allowing myself to be carried by the extrasensory experiences that came up- allowing stories and scenarios to download into my mind.
It may sound like daydreaming, though it began to take a shape of its own when my soul started to pick up on themes of love, power, war, loss, betrayal, mysticism, separation, and persecution that were not from this lifetime.
It couldn't be- I wasn't physically living any experiences relatively close to the sensations I was experiencing in my vast inner world.
It didn't make sense why I would feel the fears of losing battles, kingdoms, superpowers, loved ones, and unrequited love so deeply when I had no conscious idea of it in this current life at the age of 10.
Though through various art forms paired with the flashes of memories/visions, the stories of my lifetimes started unfurling and activating rememberance.
 It began with listening to music and feeling my soul transport to different lifetimes and feelings of loss.
In my inner landscape, I traveled to feelings that took me back to ancient times and the past would come alive through flashes of visions, images, feelings, faces, and somatic sensations. With my intuitive mind open, I would receive vivid memories that would tear through me. Lots of war, separation, death, and heartbreak.
I would physically feel my heart ache and my belly drop when particular music would trigger certain emotions that I had no words for.
From Babbu Mann, Hans Raj, Bally Jagpal, Jazzy B to Linkin Park, Staind, A7X, Evanescence & so on.
I often spent a lot of time listening to music and feeling tender about how deep all the lyrics and symbolism was paired along my somatic experiences.
Music wasn't only helping me sort and unravel my past mysteries, it also helped me navigate my fragile and intense physical reality at the time.
Linkin Park shifted a lot in my life and gave me words to what I felt, ones that were never taught to me. I could finally verbalize and express the angst that I felt trying to fit into societies that never could hold all of me. From my Punjabi community to American society, none of it ever fully encompassed me.
Within my Punjabi Jatt Sikh community, I was an outcast and black sheep who talked too much and had a lot of anger towards cultural expectations that I never wanted to fit into. I was the opposite of what Punjabi young girls my age were- I was loud, outspoken, wild, and curious.
I wasn't well enough to gain their praise, though garnered attention when I pushed back on what others wanted and expected of me- I fired back on gender roles, earning/seeking approval, and playing other's games. I wanted to march at the beat of my own drum and individuality, and my collectivist community didn't particularly appreciate this notion.
But this was an innate thing- I always revolted against the status quo, even though I didn't even understand what it was. The community I grew up around was toxic and stifling, and even at a young tween, I pushed hard against the expectations to conform to it.
It was a nice reprieve to be in my American identity at school and outside of home, even though that space was limited as well.
I felt like an outsider in American society due to how culturally different I was to your average American girl- my two culturally identities seemed to oppose each other in values. One valued being similar to your community and the other valued individualism- and I was always somehow straddling in the middle of either.
Though the freedom to express and be myself in this space was really liberating. Rock music opened my rebellious soul to fight conformity and embrace who I was and what I believed in- in all spaces.
Overall, American culture was filled with experiences that I so wanted to be a part of and was a part of mostly, though was limited due to the fragmentation I experienced.
It felt like I had to cut parts of myself to be in either lives, so I ended up cruising through these different realms while staying connected to myself holistically through my spirituality.
Both my physical realities they couldn't begin to comprehend half of what I experienced through the spiritual realms.
So, I pushed back on the expectations from all spaces.
I didn't fit in and I didn't want to.
Too much for this and too little for that. So I rebelled to be me.
And this is something I was really good at.
I was a rebel through and through, and it is something I take pride in.
I've never conformed or fit into a mold, and my Aquarius Moon revels in my idiosyncrasies and multidimensionality.
I don't fit into others' boxes, nor do I have the energy to do so.
Not here nor there, everywhere, yet nowhere. It's a gift I've had to embrace as an outsider in different spaces that never could hold all of me and were confused by my expression of self.
I garner attention & thrive on being perceived weird and peculiar, there's something in transmuting the judgements into empowerment that just sits so well with me.
I've always been an outlier, and that's something that is a defining aspect of who I am. And through these experiences, I've been able to step deeper into it.
I had developed a self concept pretty early on due to all the different expectations I didn't fit into, A big part of me is actually who I am not.
This is just as sacred to me as who I am.
*Teachers, Guides, Saviors*
Thankfully, I had a handful of folks who truly saw and appreciated me within my family and some special teachers along the way.
My 5th grade teacher Mr. Howard was one of the only adults who had seen me up until that point and I'll never forget the time he told me that I was an old soul while I helped him organize our classroom library and spent time hanging out with him whenever I could.
He was one of the most positive male figures I had until this day, and the fact that he could see that I was different meant the world to me,
Little did he know that he was my role model and very own watcher, Mr. Rupert Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (IYKYK). His eyes would twinkle (one blue and one green) each time I would reference my favorite show- only further leading to the old soul theory.
For the first time, I was seen and it felt so nice to have an emotionally available adult take an interest in my (supernatural) musings.
Followed by 5th grade, my 6th grade teacher Mr.Rhodes was also such a sweet and gentle soul who truly lit the world with wonder and magic. Every day, he would devote time to read the entire class the Chronicles of Narnia, a world filled with magic, spirituality, adventure, morality, and deep symbolism. He even gifted our entire class with the series, completely surprising us. Through reading Narnia, my love for fantasy novels was only strengthened and I became even a more avid reader than before.
He gifted me a love for reading and creating magical worlds that I knew were real. Narnia was a consciousness just like the Harry Potter realm I was so drawn to at the time.
It helped bridge the belief I had that these worlds did in fact exist and were beyond human conception.
So I'll always thank and remember Mr. Rhodes and his wife, who had my sister in her class previously. It was such a heartwarming feeling when he told me that his wife had found a picture of my sister in her Bible one night. The feeling of someone praying for my sister even a few years later was so warming for both my sister and me to hear.
Mr. Rhodes Christian faith truly was devotional and beautiful, being a student of his was also a great honor. He taught me more about magic than I can express.
I was (and am) very lucky to enough to have an older sister who I could talk to about the stuff we both experienced at that time. Both of us spent our time understanding the magical and mystical realms in between school, leading us to discovering some of our most wonderful books/tv shows/teachers that helped guide our understandings of the esoteric.
Unbeknownst to us at the time, we both actually spent a lot of time meditating and journaling our experiences which helped us channel. By writing out what we were noticing, we began to document and practice our spiritual gifts of creating, storytelling, channeling, and connecting with angels, guides, and benevolent galactic energies.
We would often talk about the books, tv shows, and radio shows that had magical elements to it. Every night we would both take turn sharing stories of what we've read to each other and shared the plot lines of the stories/shows/movies we watched, often recounting magical and spooky tales while the other drifted to sleep. We felt the aliveness and consciousness of these 'fictional' energies and knew that they were in fact, channeled and did exist in another familiar realm- which is why we loved them deeply in rememberance.
We would religiously watch (and still watch with deep love) Buffy the Vampire Slayer and talk about how the essence of a slayer is rooted deeply into the Dark Goddess and her powers. (we both cried finding out that there's going to be a reboot, given we watch BTVS nearly every day since the moment it premiered in 1997. Not kidding, we have all the seasons on dvd).
We would often recount chapters of our favorite novel character, Sita, a four thousand year old vampire (and other Christopher Pike books) that were filled with disclosures and mysticism from Ancient Indian culture. It was so synchronistic and insane that even our interests were subtly guided by Spirit and were connected to our spiritual soul.
This eventually led us to a famous psychic who not only confirmed the feelings and thoughts we had, but also helped fill the gaps. My sister discovered psychic Sylvia Browne, and we both finally had found someone who shared similar experiences we had. Although a somewhat controversial figure, psychic Sylvia Browne's downloads really did help us connect and meditate to find our own realizations. My sister and I deeply started to meditate and connect with Mother Goddess and Father God which helped us understand ourselves more better. She was one of the first guides who really helped us understand the spiritual gifts we had.
Of course, at the age of 12, I wasn't too keen on sharing my mystical beliefs and experiences with anyone outside of my sister and my best friend at the time. As a Punjabi Indian girl who already felt strange and different than her peers (culturally and in so many other ways), I thought it would of course be best to not share that I tend to see, feel, and sense things that went beyond the bounds of 'normal' experiences.
The beauty of it was that I had my wonderful sister there to discuss all the possibilities of the universe with. So we continued to watch our mystical shows and deepen our love for theoretical/quantum physics and the mysteries of the Universe to continue to gather what this all means.
We spent a lot of time watching copious amounts of Neil Degrassi Tyson and PBS documentaries about black holes and ways the universe were created which continued to fill in the gaps to our spiritual understanding of the Universe and Creator/Spirit/Goddess/God.
We would go in our backyard and cozy up with blankets in the back of my dad's white Tacoma and watch the night sky that was filled with mysterious orbs and satellites and shooting stars, & contemplate how the alien beings and intelligent life forms would be. Our past lives and so on. Both of us also had a keen awareness that we had lifetimes as ET beings (which is now called Starseed). The draw and magic went felt looking up at the stars was immensely breathtaking and vast which is why most of our childhood consisted of being in our backyard or at Pyramid Lake stargazing.
These moments are the staple of my life growing up.
I'm very grateful to have my sister who has helped guide and foster my spiritual path. We've both provided deep emotional and spiritual support to each other, and have a connection that goes beyond time, space, and dimensions. This goes to say that my mom, dad, sister, and I have a very special and unique soul tie and mission as a family.
My father is truly an Emperor with such deep love, integrity, charisma, and abundance. His tender heart is filled with generosity, care, and play- where ever he goes, he makes an abundance of fun, laughter, play, and friends. Everyone is drawn to his charming and funny personality.
My mother is literally love personified. She is the definition of unconditional love, nurturance, light, and beauty. She is fiery, quick, and yet slow and cozy- truly a Taurus mama through and through.
And where do I even start with the radiant goddess that is my sister? The cosmos pails in comparison to her beauty, love, energy, and soul. She is the goddess embodied, and I am lucky to be walking the path of the Goddess with her. Let's just say I wouldn't be here if my sister in particular were not at my side (in this life and all previous). She and I go waaayy back.. like different Universe back.
They are literally my heart and my soul and absolute powerhouses of dynamic souls. The energies and DNA they carry and how it built both my sister and I...truly indescribable.
I'll forever be in service, devotion and in reverence of them.
I could literally write novels upon novels about the beautiful members of my soul tribe and how magical they are.
My family means the world to me, and there's absolutely no words or amount of expression that can encapsulate the level of love I have for my beloved soul tribe. Everyone that is a part of my loved ones in this life have actually been my soul tribe for eons.
Now (after the years of spiritual work I've done) I can vividly recall the lifetimes we've had together and the reasons as to why our souls particularly are connected so deeply.
Through our spiritual work and exploration, we've been able to discover the origins to our souls and how deeply we're all connected and how we all have a very big soul mission hence the profound loving connection.
And the same goes with my beloved partner in this life- who has spent this lifetime (amongst many previous others) by my side. Without his constant love, support, essence and presence, I wouldn't know where'd I be. Through our relationship, I've deeply learned what unconditional love, divine feminine and divine masculine embodiment, romance, and divine union is.
Throughout the years, our connection opened me up to some of the biggest healings I have ever had in any of my lifetimes. I cannot truly capture how much work, healing, and love we've cultivated throughout our lifetimes and our journey thus far without becoming a cheese ball.
Our journey has been so particularly unique and extraordinary, folks would think it was a novel.
In the shortcomings as well as the blessings, we've truly grown together and have leaned into deeper connection.
The beauty, energy, and love his soul carries is truly inspiring- the fact he's been through hell and back, he's truly the hero of my dreams. So dreamy, brooding, and goofy and charming.
The life we've created together is one with peace, coziness, laughter, play, and stability. With our special fur babies Simba and Leo, our life is filled with magic and cozy vibes. Each day feels like an adventure, even the ones that are hard to navigate,
And I'm deeply grateful and honored to receive so much love, consideration, adoration, and adventure.
As someone who has a very interesting spiritual path and journey (one that would guarantee a one way ticket into an institution if I actually shared it all right now), I have experienced things that I couldn't even share with other spiritual folks due to the complexities and strangeness of it all.
When I say strange, I mean strange. It would baffle healers, so I never really shared these experiences up until I meant my current healer in 2022 (who I have been working to meet my entire life really).
All my life, I had witnessed the deepest connection to energies and beings that went beyond this physical world, and it was something that I dealt with completely alone given how bewildering it has been.
Up until I was connected with my current healer, who has become a true godsend for me. She's helped foster and helped me catapult to a whole new level that I always dreamed of reaching, But more than that, she helped me heal wounds from all those lifetimes.
She helped me voice words and feelings I would only allow myself to whisper in the darkest most mysterious corners of my mind.
She helped me confirm connections from past lives that I thought were my insanity.
And she is the reason I deeply honor the help of a healer and guru- because she is that for me.
*Life Imitates Art*
As I previously mentioned, various forms of media has a lot to do with my re-awakening and gifts. Art and media had a profound affect on me and transformed my life in every single way possible. From watching Yugioh and discovering a huge past life connection to Ancient Egypt to even now as I reverently watch & read Outlander. Art shifted the trajectory of my life and was/is also the biggest teacher I have.
Yugioh cracked me open to understanding how deep my connection to Ancient Egypt and Priestesshood. I know high priestess work has become somewhat of a buzzword for some, but for me, I discovered it when I was 9 yrs old in 2004, while watching Yugioh. I remember feeling full body chills and crying remembering the carvings on the walls and hearing the concepts of Shadow games. I felt the mysticism in the air when I would hear the duduk (my favorite flute) play during the theme song.
I knew I lived in Egypt many many times before.
And when I would close my eyes, I could see, feel, sense, the lives unfold before me.
Ironic, given Yami in the show was also encountering the same.
It opened my spiritual channel to ancient Egypt and reinitiated me onto my priestess path. I would do rituals and elaborate on hazy details of past lives- all based upon a children's cartoon- but it was way more than what meets the eye.
This eventually led me to my obsession with Cleopatra, Ancient Egypt and Rome. The leylines between these worlds and the lives I lived, they all seemed to connect and take form in a vast system of knowledge that began to unfold for me in my teenage years.
Learning, reading, and feeling into Cleopatra VII's story absolutely broke me open and put me together again. To hear of her life's story and the countless amount of literature about her- I consumed it all, entranced by her tragic ending. A Queen so powerful become so vulnerable. To see her loves and queendom perish.
And of course, the Universe being ever in my support and favor, there was a special Cleopatra exhibit in 2012, following the year after I discovered her magic.
The exhibit only further connected me to the magic and mysteries of Cleopatra and Egypt, who was/is an entire entity of her own.
I became enthralled by the mysteries of Egypt at such a young age, and over the years, I've connected the dots to the sacred lineage.
It is something I hold closely to my heart and soul.
***
Leylines and gridwork have become a profound aspect of my journey. Which leads me to Outlander and how it's recently pieced together more information about my soul's journey.
Since 2016, I've been called to sacred portals on the land as an Earth guardian.
In college, I had lost this connection due to addictions, trauma, and far too many drunk nights spent at frat parties, kickbacks, bars, & clubs. Though after a few rough years, I found myself traveling to Hawaii and having the codes of the Earth magic unlock when I was 21.
Since then, I've been traveling to certain Earthgrids that have called me to unlock my magic and gather in ritual of the land. This was before it became a fad to do so, as it hadn't become a trend then.
It was a way of life for me, visiting stone circles and unlocking memories of being in ancient lands and practicing the ways of the old goddesses and gods.
Tending to the land and being in service to Her became my way of life since my early 20s. And all of it is what's led me to where I am now,
And after reading and watching Outlander, it makes sense why I traveled to particular parts of Caledonia and Britannia. They have become the greatest places of comfort I feel on Earth these days (along with Hawaii). The magic between Jamie and Claire also has become the greatest love story I've seen and witnessed- one that takes me back to the etheric realms and beyond.
As I mentioned, art and media have a profound impact on me and validate the experiences I have due to their channelled nature.
This all led me to where I am now: deeply integrating and practicing all that I've learned and cultivated through eons of evolution.
Art literally has a way to transform life, and that is why it's so vital to share our experiences. As I recount my life's journey thus far, I can see how important it was to find folks like me through various forms of art and expression.
These novels, shows, movies, music and experiences all led me to re-awaken and helped inform me of who I am today. Synchronistically, I found and was guided to my ancient gifts and lives through various teachers, guides, people & artforms that transformed my understanding of Self and the etheric.
And in the Akashic Records (the mystical records of all that is, was, and will ever be), there is a huge emphasis on exactly why humans create and share. It's so that others like them awaken and connect to their roots.
The essence of healing work is to first heal yourself and unlock your sacred gifts through the process, and then help foster those who seek to do the same- almost as a paying it forward to continue to advance consciousness and spiritual healing.
And this is why I share this particular part of my story. In no way is it a conclusive journey, though it is a highlight of some important moments that led me to you here today.
As always with magic and love,
Mystical Raz <3